This year has been one of discovery, sometimes wrapped in beautiful-colored wrapping, and some of it plainly sitting there staring up at me, as a pile of poo. The ugly truth.
I've learned a lot about myself, and continue to break down the lies I've told myself every day. I've come to discover that ultimately, I've been living life SCARED. And that's...well, disappointing. I was aiming for SACRED. (You know, making every moment count, honoring myself and all things in this life). Oops.
Having been given enough experiences in the past few years to make me realize that I'm a perfectionist, things now makes a lot more sense. I had just never delved this deep into who I am. I've always considered other people's opinions of me very important. When someone was angry or disappointed in me, I tried to do everything I could to make up for it. I never realized until this year, that people's judgments of me are about them, and not me at all. Others are judging me through their own experience/belief-tinted glasses. There are so many times I tried to please people who just couldn't be pleased, because they themselves were so unhappy. I just didn't know it at the time.
Let's face it: I'm a typical Libra. I want harmony in all things, especially relationships. I strive to be loved and please others all the time, and try to make others feel loved and happy as well. When life doesn't go that way, I feel awful. When conflict occurs, I feel it in my core, and it hurts. It doesn't matter whether that conflict is between myself and others, or between others that don't involve me at all. I ache. I feel it. I never understood why some people just didn't like me or actually worked against me in certain jobs or volunteer groups. I'm a good person, and despite that, there have been times that I've felt worthless, because I allowed other people to make me feel that way. There have been too many times that I didn't recognize my own worth and I trusted other people's advice instead of following my own gut. Let's just say that there have been a few setbacks due to these types of things.
Here's what I've learned: life is all about perceptions. I was taught that when I earned by BA in Psychology, but life has been the real teacher for me. We all interpret life through our own experiences, and make judgments about the world based on our own perceptions. The beauty of that is two things. One, we can breathe, and realize that not only do we not need to validate our life by anyone else's standard, but we actually are born to live our life guided by our own instincts and passions for what gifts we bring to this world. Two, because every belief we've ever had is what we've chosen to accept, we can choose at any time to re-define our beliefs, and thus change our perceptions and actions. This is a powerful place to stand!
As I sat this afternoon and was visioning what I wanted to do next in my life that resonated with me and my family, I felt myself tense up and start worrying about how we would pay for things, how much time would stuff take, where would I get the resources to do what I wanted, what if/when/where/how, etc., and all those other negative thoughts that creep in when we take on something new and big and we're scared. I suddenly realized that I had worried myself right into a tension headache, when really, the stuff I'm concerned about is probably fairly simple to manage. The stress? I would have to think and behave differently, and I was concerned about the worse-case scenarios. Sigh.
So now instead of letting limits stress me out, I'm gonna stress those limits till they break, and see what amazing new things are out there are awaiting for me, and for everyone. We're really good at getting in our own way and thinking the worst of ourselves and everyone else out there. It's time to see how great we each really are, and allow ourselves to just be who we are, doing what we do best. There's no stress in that at all, once we let go of those limits.
Love and luck to all...